“Don’t ever forget that it is best to listen much, speak little, and not become angry; for anger doesn’t make us good, as God demands that we must be” (James 1:19,20 TLB).

One night after Glen and I had been married about three months, I was all ready for bed, but he was still getting undressed. I threw back the bedspread and burrowed down into the blankets. Just then, he turned from the closet with a hanger in his hand and in a very disgusted voice said, “Well, you did it again!”

I puzzled, What’ve I done? What’s wrong with him?

After a little prompting, he told me why he was so upset with me.
It seemed each evening he went through a very precise ritual which I hadn’t even noticed. He took his pants off and laid them across the bed to smooth them out. Then he went to the closet to get a hanger. Apparently my pattern was quite consistent, too. Just about the time he went for the hanger, I threw back the bedspread and crawled into bed. When Glen got back to the bed, the pants he had so neatly spread out were all crumpled up under the bedspread.

The crumpled pants were not the main problem. Glen thought he was being a good husband by not voicing his complaint. His intent was very noble, but it didn’t work. Three months’ worth of crumpled pants was all he could take. By that time he had built up a strong case against me, and I wasn’t even aware of it.

Once we got the “pants” problem out in the open, we were able to work on it. I wish I could say I’ve never thrown the bedspread over his pants again, but I can’t. However, I don’t do it very often, and when I do, I’m able to apologize and help him straighten up the pants. Then we can laugh about it together.

Whether you’re dealing with your mom or dad, a fellow worker, a child, or your spouse, it’s important to understand that communication involves more than just talking to each other. One way Webster defines communication is, “A system for sending and receiving messages.” By not being observant and noticing Glen’s evening ritual, I was “sending a message” that it didn’t matter to me if his pants got all crumpled up. He was “receiving a message” that what he did was not important to me. We communicate through every action we take and every word we speak. As a profound common sense thinker I’ve had to work at making my actions communicate my true feelings.

I’ve also had to learn that a negative comment must be communicated in a positive way. If another person does something that bothers us, it is important that we present our complaint or observation in a non-judgmental manner (gently of course, but we should do it!). Every time Glen and I are open with each other, we knock down the bricks that could develop into a wall between us.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin

This devotional is an excerpt from Profound Common Sense.
 Marilyn Heavilin
author of Roses In December,
December’s Song
Becoming A Woman of Honor,
Profound Common Sense
When Your Dreams Die,
Grief Is A Family Affair,
I’m Listening, Lord
www.marilynheavilin.com
Live so that others may safely follow

Marilyn is a wife and mother, author, and international conference and retreat speaker.  She and her husband Glen serve as Counselors-in-Residence at America’s KESWICK during the summer months.